| Aug. 10th, 2005 @ 01:53 am (no subject) |
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... I'm watching phantom fingers dance over the keyboard, writing what I don't want to say...
When did the self-exploration stop and the hating begin?
The moment I had an idea I'm still not capable of completing.
Of course, I haven't admitted that to myself, I don't bellyfeel it.
When did this journal turn from me trying to find myself into me trying to find other people?
What have I been doing?
My instinct is to run again. Try to hide the mistakes.
I really am the asshole everyone thinks I am, but like every asshole I justify. I absolve myself of guilt by telling myself they're acting childish.
That's my button these days, immaturity. As if I'm so damned mature.
I've created an image of myself, and I would rather die than change that image (this is not a good thing).
How can I clean up this mess?
I can't be everything for everyone, this I've learned.
Realistically I can't be everything for anyone, this has been proven.
At first, I couldn't admit wrong because I would let myself.
Now I can't admit wrong because I don't remember what I did.
I shouldn't have gotten involved, but who else was there? Sitting alone in my dorm wasn't doing anyone any good at all. Who to talk to? Intelligent conversations don't happen often, or maybe I wasn't patient enough. I've learned to hide my intelligence and views from people I don't know well, why should anyone else be any different?
...I don't think I've ever thanked Jessica for helping me to form my current worldview, but at what cost?
Everyone is selfish. I am no different.
I try to help people to help themselves. I believe that everything is temporary and one should not rely on temporary things.
I do this so that they may be stronger, but also so that I won't be constantly bothered by them. I get easily tired of those who keep relying on me... Is that because I try not to allow anyone to help me?
The crux of the problem is I don't have time for self-examination anymore. Between work, my emerging career, and my girlfriend, along with the ordinary functions of life, I barely have time for a few hour's leisure at the beach, much less alone-time to meditate on what new bad habits I've developed to replace my old ones.
I'm not certain I like what I'm becoming, but short of finding a hole to meditate in for a lengthy period of time, I don't see any way to alter this course.
So I will continue. Not everyone can like me for me, but as long as I'm happy that's all that really matters. Only I can find my own happiness, nobody can do it for me. I will continue to hang around people who I'm happy with, and continue to avoid people who make me unhappy.
There are some wounds, however, that could use some healing... |
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