A Sliver of my Mind

hawkaloogie @ 2006-08-13T04:50:00

2006-08-13T10:19:30Z

Yeah. I posted to LiveJournal. So what?

Since I just realized that my own personal website is considerably higher-profile than this little rinky-dinky thingy-ma-jig, I figured why not? Keep the business with the business and the emo with the emo. Seems simple enough.

Okay, fine, I lied. I'm getting desperate for a connection, and nobody reads my website. Robin Williams said "We all need somebody to lean on," or am I getting my hippy-pop music videos mixed up again? Don't worry, be happy.

I'm only two weeks behind on rent, and am currently driving with a suspended license due to not paying for a ticket for driving with a suspended registration. Sometimes it just doesn't pay to help people, especially when they tell you in simple terms that there is no way they'd reciprocate.

At least I've put my priorities first. I haven't yet missed a meal, though they've been short on quantity and variety as of late (noodles + sauce = cheap + filling).

Gemma was nice enough to invite me to Madison to hang out with her, Phill, and her friends. It was good to get out of the house, but some topics brought up were unnecessary, and some necessary topics weren't brought up.

Working at Wal*Mart (Heil, Walton!) as an unloader is quite possibly the worst job I've ever had. The job itself isn't so bad. It's physically exhausing but not very hard. The problem is a couple co-workers (especially ones in charge) are so dumb as to make the mentally handicapped people I work with look like geniuses. Just more proof of "It's not what you've got, it's how you use it."

In better news, I've got a second interview at a proper job doing Perl programming at PlainBlack in Madison. They'll let me telecommute so I don't even have to move. This job would free me up to do a lot of things I've been too busy surviving to do, since help from others seems to be continually out of the question. I'd be able to go back to school, get a new car, and find a bigger apartment. Hell, I could probably afford a house (4 bdrm, lease out the extra bedrooms for a few hundred a month).

But, of course, I shouldn't get my hopes up. I don't have the job yet. Should I not get it, it's back to submitting resumes and trying to find something better.

I haven't had to struggle for a while. It'd be exhilarating if I wasn't so damned terrified of missing my bills, losing my apartment, and having again to move.

If I'd known, three months ago, that I'd be scrounging the streets for enough money to do my laundry, I never would have done it.

All that LJ is good for...

2005-12-02T04:38:22Z

Would you........
1. give me your number?
2. let me hug you anytime I wanted to?
3. let me kiss you?
4. watch a movie with me...even a really sappy one?
5. let me take you out to dinner?
6. drive me somewhere/anywhere?
7. take a shower with me?
8. have a fling with me?
9. listen to me if I called you crying even if you were out with all of your friends?
10. buy me a drink if i didnt have money?
11. take me home for the night?
12. let me sleep in your bed?
13. sing karaoke w/ me?
14. sit in the doctors office with me because I didn't want to go alone?
15. re-post this for me to answer your questions?
16. come pick me up at 3am because my car ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere?
17. tell me if I was doing something stupid or dangerous?
18. take a compliment I gave you at full face value?
19. share all of your secrets with me?
20. cry if I died?
21. dance with me?
22. sing happy birthday to me?
23. take advantage of me if I was drunk?
24. strip for me?

hawkaloogie @ 2005-09-26T06:20:00

2005-09-26T11:21:01Z

You must be the change you wish to see in the world.

hawkaloogie @ 2005-09-22T03:24:00

2005-09-22T08:44:19Z

"How come we only ask ourselves the really big questions when something bad happens?"

"Motherfucking cocksucker motherfucking shit fucker what am I doing? What am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing. I'm doing the best that I can. I know that's all I can ask of myself. Is that good enough? Is my work doing any good? Is anybody paying attention? Is it hopeless to try and change things? I'm fucked! Maybe I should quit. Don't quit! Maybe I should just fucking quit. Don't fucking quit! I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to fucking do anymore! Fucker! Fuck shit!"

“I don’t exactly know what I mean by that, but I mean it.”

"To laugh often and much;
to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;
to leave the world a little better;
whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is the meaning of success."

“Remember then: there is only one time that is important—Now! It is the most important time because it is the only time when we have any power.”

LJ Drama Goes Wrong

2005-09-20T10:18:29Z

http://www.livejournal.com/users/turimel/

Wow... But Sh... Wow... How di... Wow... What wer........ wow........

hawkaloogie @ 2005-09-12T16:33:00

2005-09-12T21:31:48Z

"You're scary."

"Because I'm smart, or because you're dumb?"

http://www.dieselsweeties.com/archive.php?s=1309

A MEME!

2005-09-11T04:46:20Z

The Random Question Meme!

An array of completely random questions about my friends!

What is makostars's favorite song?: OLP - Life (though apparently she doesn't like their newest stuff... sigh... they go the way of all emo bands... "Whoa, I've got money. I've got chicks! Wait... what the fuck was I complaining about again?")
Why shouldn't drdevice and sheyala be a couple?: They're good friends (last I knew), but I haven't seen DrDevice around much lately.

He's moved on, found new girls.

And Sheyala (again, last I knew) found a great guy.

So why jeopardize that?
What happened the last time you and doom_ihl_varia were hanging out together?: Hmm... Since I don't remember most of what happened to me when I had my apartment (I was stoned at the time), I'll just say this.

We hung out.

It was teh awesome.
What hobby do you think tumultfiction should take up?: His art already takes up a lot of his time and effort, and whatever time is left is probably spent practicing the art of Code-Fu, so I'd say his plate is full enough. Leave some talent for the rest of us you skilled prick <3.
What does parse think of America's involvement in Iraq?: HE THINKS DUBYA SHOULD GO THERE HIMSELF AND WALK ALONE IN THE DARK AND LET THOSE NIGGAS ASS-RAPE HIS ASS.
What animal does xinsecurityx most remind you of?: A cuddly baby tapir.
Is oogy hiding under your bed right now?: If he was, that would make him some sort of insect. Which I've kinda suspected what with those glasses and all, but still... Let's hope not. Let's hope he's hiding under his own bed. With a bottle... of booze... and a computer... and some tentacle porn... the live-action not that cartoony crap...
Does duox2 look better with long hair?: Probably not. No geek (sysadmin's especially) looks good with long hair. Give that to the Moe.
Whom does becloud get along best with?: Probably... Hmm... Spacemind67 perhaps? Definately not Brian, it's a rule that couples get along better with other people than they do their Significantly Other. (Eh, she don't read these things so I can say whatever the fuck! Baba Booey Baba Booey Howard Stern's Penis Baba Booey!)
Can moondrop become invisible at will?: Why would she want to?

This is by heptadecagram. You can find your own completely random questions here.

Do you feel enlightened now?

hawkaloogie @ 2005-09-08T05:44:00

2005-09-08T10:44:04Z

...A word in the sand today
Is only a memory tomorrow...

http://www.burningman.com/preparation/event_survival/culture_in_brc.html

CareWare

2005-09-08T08:04:23Z

To own [a copy of the program] Arachnophilia, I ask that you stop whining about how hard your life is, at least for a while. When Americans whine, nearly everybody else in the world laughs. We have so much, and yet we manage to:

* Overlook great examples of beauty around us,
* Miss our most important opportunities,
* Manage to make ourselves miserable by expecting something even better to come along.

(Read the full text here: http://www.arachnoid.com/careware/index.html )

Freak out with my Geek out

2005-09-07T07:08:06Z

I'm feeling incredibly geeky these days, with all the social prowess this entails.

The Blog software is almost completed (at least, version 1.0), which means that this blog may get archived and deleted (no use leaving a trail of breadcrumbs).

"May" means that I may instead use hawkaloogie.com as purely a professional blog, and LJ as a personal one, at least until I get certain things (like RSS feeds, so my LJ friends can still view my blog from their friends page) working correctly.

But anyway.

Lots of work on the table, but I'm chomping away at it bit by bit.

"There comes a time when you look into the mirror, and you realize that what you see is all that you will ever be, and you accept it... Or you stop looking into mirrors."

Soon I'll be able to finally follow through on the promises I made to the parties requesting my services, and then I'll be able to do more such work.

hawkaloogie @ 2005-09-02T02:59:00

2005-09-02T08:03:51Z

Just because everyone else was doing it...

1. Go here.
2. Pass it on.

Made you look.

The Relentless Pursuit of Hypocrasy

2005-08-31T08:18:28Z

I enjoy the scrutiny of those who seek to weaken me. Thinking that I consider myself superior, they poke to find weaknesses. Sometimes, they hit on target, and they usually go through the following steps:

1) Belittlement - "See!? You're not better than everyone else!!"
2) Disappointment - "Why don't you feel bad now?"
3) Confusion - "How can you say that you really don't think you're better than everyone else?"
4) Acceptance - "I'll really get him next time..."

Why do people pursue success when they want to believe that all people more successful than them are unhappy?

Why do the people who want to cut their image of me down to a human form not understand that I am human?

And why then, when exhibiting signs of humanity, do they tell me to do better?

I am reserved. Cold. Cruel, but not needlessly. I do not need you, and I do not want you to need me.

If you would like to create happy memories, and would like me to be a part of them, all you need to do is ask.

If you would like some reprieve from Fate's follies, I will help you to stem the tide.

If you must see me as superior, I have no desire to live up to your expectations.

How many ways must we be divided?

hawkaloogie @ 2005-08-29T03:30:00

2005-08-29T08:53:33Z

Sometimes humans must do things that they find unpleasant, distasteful, and despicable.

Should this stop us from doing what must be done?

Sometimes lessons need to be taught.

Do the ends justify the means in teaching that lesson?

[03:33] so some guy gets your girlfriend drunk at a party and then when she's too drunk to realize what she's doing, rubs her ... naughty bits... and shoves her hand down his pants to get him off... and this is all she remembers...
[03:33] this is not the first time this man has gotten girls drunk to take advantage of them
[03:33] and he's a cripple, his knee can barely support his weight
[03:34] what do you do?
[03:35] as a service to mankind, do you violently show him the error of his ways, ensuring your arrest and your place in the lowest dregs of humanity (injuring a helpless cripple)?
[03:35] or do you let it go, and allow more people to fall victim?

There's no moral high ground here. There's nothing noble or right about it. This is a wrong that must be done to ensure that future wrongs will not occur...

And through all this I can't help but see the damage I've already left in my wake.

Lasting friendships destroyed because I do not play well with others.

A lapse into self-pity to arouse sympathy for my future sins, we're really reaching aren't we?

hawkaloogie @ 2005-08-27T02:48:00

2005-08-27T07:57:38Z

Just an update on the things that are destroying are preventing me from starting to develop a social life.

http://hawkaloogie.com/css - A CSS paste site, powered by Comm_Ctrl

I'm happy about where this site is going. I need to add more features to the CodePaste module of Comm_Ctrl like syntax highlighting and line numbering, but otherwise it's becoming quite feature-riffic!

http://hawkaloogie.com/commctrl - Comm_Ctrl - An Open Source (LGPL) Perl Content Management System

Wow... Don't know where to start with this monstrosity. It seemed a simple concept. A module with a constructor and a page dispatcher, a backend with get/set/find/delete, a modular user authentication, and a frontend to sum the parts.

This project is now the biggest thing I've ever undertook, including the CashLeague system I designed for ASWZ and later deleted out of frustration with its (lack) of implementation (although, CashLeague was in essence the first step on the road to designing Comm_Ctrl).

New things are: Testing for Modules and Backends. I've made a flexible testing apparatus for use in creating Comm_Ctrl modules (modules provide the content). Fun fun fun.

These above are not to mention:

- Demetrius's Store site (also powered by Comm_Ctrl)
- J.R.'s blog site (also powered by Comm_Ctrl)
- A new computer sales / service outfit I'm helping to build

I need to get better organized... Important / Urgent / Not Important / Not Urgent...

hawkaloogie @ 2005-08-27T00:06:00

2005-08-27T05:11:56Z

"We want equality, but we want preferential treatment!"

I wish feminists would get their fucking act together (and they aren't the only long-oppressed political group that needs to wake the fuck up).

Everyone's got a minority. Everyone's got a race / gender / religious / height / weight / eye-color / hair-style issue. Why are only certain ones singled out for attention? Do I have to be rich and powerful to be insulted about my ears being too big?

The Cauliflower Coalition: Demanding equality for those with big ears and noses!

Hoo-fucking-ray.

hawkaloogie @ 2005-08-25T03:01:00

2005-08-25T08:02:11Z

If you want to beat them, you can't join them.

hawkaloogie @ 2005-08-16T15:57:00

2005-08-16T21:06:51Z

Exchanging viewpoints
Not to fight but compromise
Conforming means death.

Why a haiku?

I love opposing viewpoints, especially when they are argued with vim and vigor. Never willing to concede the entire point, but able to (slowly and painfully) reach a middle ground (until the issue is brought up again).

I guess I love the vitality and spirit of someone who never backs down on those hot-button issues where there are no clear-cut answers. Someone willing to stick out, no matter what everybody else says.

Be it in appearance or ideas, conforming for the sake of conforming, for the sake of not having to fight anyone anymore, is worse than dying.

When you're dead, you know you're dead.
When you conform, you're never sure.

hawkaloogie @ 2005-08-10T01:53:00

2005-08-10T07:28:24Z

... I'm watching phantom fingers dance over the keyboard, writing what I don't want to say...

When did the self-exploration stop and the hating begin?

The moment I had an idea I'm still not capable of completing.

Of course, I haven't admitted that to myself, I don't bellyfeel it.

When did this journal turn from me trying to find myself into me trying to find other people?

What have I been doing?

My instinct is to run again. Try to hide the mistakes.

I really am the asshole everyone thinks I am, but like every asshole I justify. I absolve myself of guilt by telling myself they're acting childish.

That's my button these days, immaturity. As if I'm so damned mature.

I've created an image of myself, and I would rather die than change that image (this is not a good thing).

How can I clean up this mess?

I can't be everything for everyone, this I've learned.
Realistically I can't be everything for anyone, this has been proven.

At first, I couldn't admit wrong because I would let myself.
Now I can't admit wrong because I don't remember what I did.

I shouldn't have gotten involved, but who else was there? Sitting alone in my dorm wasn't doing anyone any good at all. Who to talk to? Intelligent conversations don't happen often, or maybe I wasn't patient enough. I've learned to hide my intelligence and views from people I don't know well, why should anyone else be any different?

...I don't think I've ever thanked Jessica for helping me to form my current worldview, but at what cost?

Everyone is selfish. I am no different.
I try to help people to help themselves. I believe that everything is temporary and one should not rely on temporary things.
I do this so that they may be stronger, but also so that I won't be constantly bothered by them. I get easily tired of those who keep relying on me... Is that because I try not to allow anyone to help me?

The crux of the problem is I don't have time for self-examination anymore. Between work, my emerging career, and my girlfriend, along with the ordinary functions of life, I barely have time for a few hour's leisure at the beach, much less alone-time to meditate on what new bad habits I've developed to replace my old ones.

I'm not certain I like what I'm becoming, but short of finding a hole to meditate in for a lengthy period of time, I don't see any way to alter this course.

So I will continue. Not everyone can like me for me, but as long as I'm happy that's all that really matters. Only I can find my own happiness, nobody can do it for me. I will continue to hang around people who I'm happy with, and continue to avoid people who make me unhappy.

There are some wounds, however, that could use some healing...

Bored

2005-08-09T11:26:06Z

Got bored, someone had a problem in #css on irc.freenode.net (hint hint), so I made this for them, out of an old thing I made in high school.

Old and busted: http://webhelper.8m.com/tools/html/color.html
New hotness: http://hawkaloogie.com/colorpicker

And god damn is that site ever funny to me. http://webhelper.8m.com So old...

This only could be a dream... a dream...

2005-08-02T10:22:57Z

These are illusions of popular history which a successful religion must promote: Evil men never prosper; only the brave deserve the fair; honesty is the best policy; actions speak louder than words; virtue always triumphs; a good deed is its own reward; any bad human can be reformed; the rich are doomed to unhappiness.

hawkaloogie @ 2005-06-24T02:39:00

2005-06-24T07:39:20Z

http://www.7secondsoflove.com/winners/

... Someone help me: Why do I like this?...

After Perfection

2005-06-21T21:46:40Z

How much can you expect a person to change in the course of a relationship?

Given: person++ while !relationship
A person tries to improve themselves while not in a relationship, because the purpose for improving is to prove to others they are worthy of a relationship.

So once a person is in a relationship, what incentive do they have to improve themselves?

Bah. I almost wish someone could analyze all the causality chains that make me post what I post. Unravel all the threads to find the core of "Why".

O, what a tangled web we weave,
When first we practice to deceive!

Happiness Comes Through the Achieving of Goals

2005-06-20T08:44:56Z

Found self explaining polyandries, clans, groups, lines, and less common patterns considered vulgar by conservative people such as my own family--deal my mother set up, say, after she ticked off my old man, though didn't describe that one; Mother was always too extreme.

Woman said, "You have me confused. What is the difference between a line and a clan?"

"Are quite different. Take own case. I have honor to be member of one of oldest line marriages in Luna--and, in my prejudiced opinion, best. You asked about divorce. Our family has never had one and would bet long odds never will. A line marriage increases in stability year after year, gains practice in art of getting along together, until notion of anybody leaving is unthinkable. Besides, takes unanimous decision of all wives to divorce a husband--could never happen. Senior wife would never let it get that far."

Went on describing advantages--financial security, fine home life it gives children, fact that death of a spouse, while tragic, could never be tragedy it was in a temporary family, especially for children--children simply could not be orphaned. Suppose I waxed too enthusiastic--but my family is most important thing in my life.

"Here's why is stable," I said. "Take my youngest wife, sixteen. Likely be in her eighties before is senior wife. Doesn't mean all wives senior to her will die by then; unlikely in Luna, females seem immortal. But may opt out of family management by then; by our family traditions they usually do, without younger wives putting pression on them. So Ludmilla will have over fifty years of good example before has to carry burden. She's sensible to start with, not likely to make mistakes and if did, has other wives to steady her. Self-correcting, like a machine with proper negative feedback. A good line marriage is immortal; expect mine to outlast me at least a thousand years--and is why shan't mind dying when time comes; best part of me will go on living.

"Professor," I said, "you know my family. Would mind telling this lady why it's a happy family? If you think so."

"It is," agreed Prof. "However, I would rather make a more general remark. Dear madam, I gather that you find our Lunar marriage customs somewhat exotic."

"Oh, I wouldn't go that far!" she said hastily. "Just somewhat unusual."

"They arise, as marriage customs always do, from economic necessities of the circumstances--and our circumstances are very different from those here on earth. Take the line type of marriage which my colleague has been praising ... and justifiably, I assure you, despite his personal bias--I am a bachelor and have no bias. Line marriage is the strongest possible device for conserving capital and insuring the welfare of children--the two basic societal functions for marriage everywhere--in an environment in which there is no security, neither for capital nor for children, other than that desired by individuals. Somehow human beings always cope with their environments. Line marriage is a remarkably successful invention to that end. All other Lunar forms of marriage serve the same purpose, though not as well."

I've found it (that is, if I didn't already find it, quite possible, I haven't visited the archives in a very long time... -ed.).

For those of you smart enough to see what the above (lengthy, I admit) passage has described, for those of you who have come from temporary families that didn't last even long enough to raise you properly, for those of you who say you'll do better than your parents did for you: Why are you limited by the hokey, outdated custom of the "Nuclear" family?

But let's discuss this proposal more. I'll be speaking from the viewpoint of Midwestern American society, as I have no other frame of reference, so some inaccuracies may occur when applying some of these things to yourselves.

We have Family. We have Friends. And we have A spouse.

With A spouse, we create Family.

Since we are limited to one Spouse, we either (a) choose very carefully (sometimes never choosing at all) or (b) choose very often, divorcing one when another comes along.

Those that choose carefully are in near-constant pain without a Spouse. They are always on the watch for a potential spouse and the complex dance to determine suitability must be honed to an art form (with the help of self-styled professors of dating) before a compatible candidate can move past being a Friend to being a Spouse.

Those that choose often tend to create more pain than they cure, for Spouses, for the families that these couples create (and destroy), and for the children that result.

These temporary nuclear families are writhe with flaws, fragile and unstable. When the unthinkable happens, a house with one remaining support will find itself rapidly falling to pieces, destroying lives which will take much pain and much time to repair.

What's wrong with adding support?

Not Friends, there are places a Friend will not go, things a Friend will not do. Fear of retaliation from a society based on nuclear families prevents most Friends from doing much proper parenting (My stepfather was adequate, but he always seemed afraid to replace my father, even after my father died).

Not even what we currently consider Family. Aunts and Uncles, Grandparents. While most may do almost as good a job as a Mother of Father, the emotional bond is not there (this has been proven). Older parents may find children too exhausting and may be unable to discipline them into behaving in a civilized manner (the main job of a parent).

Why not add another Spouse?

Give no mind to "This child is ACTUALLY mine and his!" Give no mind to "But he's been keeping her to himself for so long!" These poor excuses for human behavior will quickly be worked out of a member of a line marriage (or that member will find themselves divorced, or leave even of their own volition).

If you love someone, if they love you, if you both wish to remain together, support each other, and even have children, the answer has always been marriage.

If you love someone else, the answer is usually "no" and (unfortunately for the rules of the nuclear family) sometimes "adultery".

Of course, beginnings are always the most perilous...

Caution must be taken to ensure maturity and stability of all parties wed, as well as their acceptance of being outcast from their Family and perhaps their Friends (those who cling to the nuclear family are usually the most likely to break some of the soft rules, the "acceptable discretions").

We shall see what becomes of this Goal.

This hope to build a safe, stable family for my (our) children which can endure such unpredictable occurances as my death (those who refuse to plan for such things are clearly not mature enough to think beyond such things).

Isn't that the goal of every potential parent?

hawkaloogie @ 2005-06-06T20:10:00

2005-06-07T01:13:00Z

And another in a nice little chain of posts... Quit reading this, there's nothing good here. Just the impotent wrath of a little boy clawing at the fleeting sands of time... "Doot deet doo dee... these... are the day of our lives..."

Why bother?

Pettiness rules the human mind.

Gimme Gimme Gimme is the only mantra of our generation.

If I can't have something new, give me the old in a new packaging.

All that we got here is American-made
It's a little bit cheesy but it's nicely display
We don't get angry when it crumbles and breaks
We just get on the phone and call up some flakes
They rush on over and wreak it some more
And we are so dumb they're lining up at our door

But whatever. I've got some of my own shit that I need to take care of. Take your problems and perform a reverse bowel movement with them.

Maybe when I'm back out of debt, sleeping on a normal schedule, only have 1.5 jobs, ready to go back to school, and moved into someplace more spacious that I can call home, maybe then I'll have a little more patience for your petty, stupid, immature problems.

Many apologies to the innocents that I hurt with this policy. This is not the first time that this has had to happen (Sorry that Debbie's younger brother Jeff had to do what he did, even if I did help him do it...), and if it is any consolation I will be yelling at myself and calling myself such wonderful epithets as "Stupid!", "Worthless!", and "Moron!" along with a nice dose of "Shut up, Doug!" for years to come over this little thing... that's just the way things work.

One day, I might start to learn from my mistakes... but don't hold your breath...

hawkaloogie @ 2005-06-06T17:16:00

2005-06-06T22:16:39Z

http://www.livejournal.com/users/hawkaloogie/56551.html?thread=168423#t168423

Looks like this grew into an entire post... The link above is the comment I'm commenting on. I guess through some egotistical self-importance thing I feel that more than just Gemma could read this. Feel free to rip me apart when you're done reading, I know I deserve it for this one. Just realize that instead of being insulted, I will read what you call me, ask myself if it's necessary that I be that way, and begin a slow process of changing myself if I feel I've done wrong. I won't (1) Deny, (2) Anger, (3) Depress, (4) Accept. (Of course, you're going to have to actually prove me wrong, Ethos Pathos and Logos are your friends)

To: Gemma
From; Doug
Re: Your comment on my previous post.

Once again, you've skimmed without understanding.

Here, I'll do all the work for you:

From the quiz: Great moments of insight and sensitivity come to you easily. But if you aren't careful, you'll ignore these moments and repeat past mistakes.

From my own experiences of ignoring my instincts:

Joe: I ignored the moments and repeated my mistakes from Jeff. Though his house is a lot cleaner, his parents a lot more white-bread (this is an advantage he has over Jeff), he is either actually mentally handicapped (in which case recognizing the problem is the first step towards recovery or at least being less obnoxious), or he's just refusing to step into adulthood (in which case Jeff has the advantage, at least Jeff is currently employed and living on his own, even if the trailer Jeff lives in would be condemned if an inspector got within 100 feet of the aromas emanating from the three-foot-high pile of garbage that makes up the wall-to-wall carpeting).

Holly: I ignored her obvious difficulties and, because of them, loved her, thinking that all she needed was someone to care for her unconditionally. Boy, was I proven wrong there! I suppose I could've learned sooner had I not been frightened by her into not talking to her parents. They seem like ... well her mom seems a lot like my mom, and for all of Mom's faults, she did her best and I could've had a lot, lot worse.

In the end, it wasn't anything Mom did, it was dear ol' Dad, which again is the same situation with Holly... Though the mind IS a pattern-matching machine (and you should do all you can to try to disprove the matches it makes before you assume that it is truth), I keep finding more things in common between Holly and the former me. Whatevz. Just like I was, you can lead her to knowledge, but you cannot make her THINK (and honestly, she'd get a lot more information out of me if she'd actually complete a conversation with me).

From my own experiences of listening to my instincts:

Liz

Although cute, and although at first I didn't want anything bad to happen, this was because I didn't yet realize that it was all her own fault anyway. Some people learn from their mistakes Reading this, Holly?, those who don't are usually too self-absorbed to notice they've made a mistake and instead blame everyone else Doesn't matter who's to blame, only one person can fix things. No matter what she says, I knew to stay far away from anything more than friendship, and now I know to just stay far away.

Amalia (sorry about the spelling)

I was too harsh with her, I am sorry for that. I gave her advice, and I decided to be blunt about it. I did not expect her to take my advice (nobody does), and I was not going to go behind her back and tell the object of her desires (but not affections) that she is?was just using him for sex. It's not my problem, it's none of my business, and I don't give a damn one way or the other.

Edited: The "misunderstanding" has been removed, but my intuition and feelings about Mrs. Holier (than Thou) have not changed. Though I am similar to Mr. Floyd, Pink, I've used my own self-observation to try and better myself. Notice that Pink's end has not yet become my end. I use The Wall, and other movies that remind me of myself, as lessons and sources of power to try and make myself a better person. Believe me when I say there is nothing you can call me that I have not been called, there is nothing you can say to me that will change me unless I feel I need to be changed. Life is harsh, and sometimes it requires a harsh person. Read back in this LJ, read http://doug.hawkaloogie.com/blog for some backstory, I've changed a lot in two+ years, and being able to look back has given me the opinion that I have changed mostly for the better, at the expense of some unnecessarily strong and controlling emotions.

Tim

It started off on the wrong foot, and for that I gave him more leeway than I felt I should. Inability to cope with life coupled with the incapcity to recognize what's really going on added to a complete denial of anyone who attempts to tell him how stupid he's really being. Completely ruled by the oversized (as witnessed by Gemma first-laughhand not 4 hours after I met him) (1) little-head/lower-horn/wenis.

In my former life, I'd probably have envied him. Now (post reference: Time to start being the new me), I wonder why I used to envy him, Jeff, and others for their sexual encounters.

In the end, it's giving and taking.

Some people give without taking.
Others take without giving.
I give while I take and I take while I give.

When opposites attract, what is the opposite of neutrality?

(1) - Gemma: This is the FIRST time that I've commented on our sex life to ANYBODY. This is my thanks for all of the people you've told...